Wheres MY week?

This is a vent and is NOT intended to offend anyone!!! I am VERY pro breast feeding and Im glad that it has a week to educate and encourage women!!!

But...
Im glad Itnl Breastfeeding week is almost over. I support and applaud the women who breastfeed but I am not one of them. Not that I havent tried. This week I saw many little sayings like"No bottles to buy" "DOnt have to get up to mix bottles" in support of it, which i think are great! On the other hand, I also saw postings of articles like "Even one teaspoon of formula can harm a baby" and another about formula and corporate greed.

Its the anti-formula articles that sting. Dont people know that there are some women out there who not only cant breastfeed their baby but can barely TOUCH their baby?! How was I supposed to create and sustain a BFing relationship with Sophia when I could only touch her hand, when her baby scent was masked by meds and hospital tape smell, when I had to leave with pictures of my baby, covered in IVs, tubes and tape to bf to? How was I supposed to get a decent supply going when I couldnt take any herbs or meds because of Sophias heart and kidney condition, when I had to use a pump and sit by her bedside while there were not only docs and nurses there but other families too, watching and listening? How am I supposed to keep up my supply now that shes home and is SO time intensive and SCREAMS when she sees my breast or a bottle? It IS easier to formula feed since she is tube fed and hooked to a pump for feeding for two hrs at a time. She gets meds every 2 hrs, eats every 4 hrs (for 2 hrs), needs a diaper change THIRTY times a day (Im not joking, diruetics) and throws up if moved during feeding time becasue her stomach is sensitive from the meds. Yes, it IS easier for me to make a mix rather than holding her to my breast for 2 hrs every 4 hrs.

In addition to my low supply, she started eating (through a tube in her nose) and ate so much so fast that my frozen stash was quickly depleted. So then what? Now Im stressed about her being in the NICU, my supply is low, my frozen stash is gone, my donated stash is gone and now I have to feel bad for giving my daughter formula?! The people who write the anti-formula articles have obviously never been in a situation where its formula or nothing. They obviously have never tried to pump while ther newborn was in the middle of open heart surgery. I had the choice to stay in recovery room with Sophia after her OHS or go pump, what do you think I chose? What would you have chosen?

In addition to the sting I feel from these people, I also get a little upset thinking that other mothers might have the guilt that I had felt giving their sick kid formula. When youre facing a baby who just survived cardiac arrest, believe me, the breast milk/formula debate is the last thing on my mind! No mother should have to feel guilty for giving their sick child formula. What was it made for anyway, if not to help? Everyone says to make milk you need to have water, food, rest and low stress. That is next to impossible when you have a sick baby.

I just want other people to think about the judgements they make without knowing the full story. Yes, Sophia has had formula (and lots of it) but she is getting stronger everyday. She is happy and ALIVE and thats all I care about. Seriously, having her in my arms is all I EVER cared about. I still do pump and I get donor milk but Im a PROUD formula mama. Ive tried my best and Im DOING the best I can for my child. Why cant I (and all the other mothers in similar situations) have a week where people are proud of the work Ive done, to not only keep pumping what little I get for the past 14 weeksbut for finding and then driving to get donor milk and then for fighting for the sensitive Rx formula? For doing all of this while my baby was in the nicu?! I shouldnt be ostracized or criticized for that!

For the record, Isabella was a formula fed baby. I had low supply then too. Have you met her? Healthy and happy! Not overweight, no gut problems, no serious illnesses and at the top of her class with no behavior problems!

Ugh. Im done complaining. Since weve taken this nicu journey Ive learned a lot of lessons, but the biggest one is that no matter what we do (homebirth/hospital birth, drugs/no drugs, breastfeeding/formula) we are all doing the best we can for our babies and we shouldnt be judged on the choices we make!