I have completely lost sight of everything. I was talking to someone about Sophias birth tonight and I got SLAMMED with a flashback of David standing with the nurses, right after they had taken Sophia from me, and everyone was yelling SOPHIA! C'MON SOPHIA!! Come ON!!!!! SOPHIA! Breathe baby BREATHE!
That flashback took my breath away. Why the fu*k (sorry, it NEEDED a curse word!) am I dwelling on this small crap like her eating food when I almost DIDNT have her. My baby almost died THREE TIMES and Im complaining about her not wanting to eat pureed squash. Who the hell do I think I am, not being grateful for the baby that I get to hold in my arms every day.
She doesnt have to eat orally, she can crap all over the sheets every night, she can be on 10 meds for the rest of her life, I DONT CARE!!
I have been so blind lately. I guess its easy to fall into this "regular" baby mode when youre babe is almost a "normal" baby. Besides the gtube and meds, she is doing everything other babies do so Im treating her like normal, and getting frustrated as a mother, like normal.
Wow, this was the kick in the butt I needed. It was more like a slap in the face actually. Shocking and enlightening!
Watch me transform...
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2 comments:
It is easy to lose sight when she is thriving like she is, and really it is okay....you don't want to hold onto that pain forever.
We all have our internal battles no matter what we have or have not gone through...you've been through so much, it's ok to focus on the normal frustrations of life at times. It is good to have normalcy sometimes and sometimes it is good to get jolted with the shocking to bring you back into focus of the big picture in life. A journey like this has to change you, so go ahead...transform, it will be for the better I"m sure! ((hugs)) I've ben transformed by my empathy through following the journeys of our DDC mamas, and it has been for the better. <3
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