My musings that are most definitely NOT fantastic!

Im sure that my posts will get cheerier soon but right now Im in either NICU mode or "Isabellas mom" mode. There is no "me". Were coming up on 7 weeks in the NICU. The emotional turmoil I am going through is unexplainable and sometimes unbearable. I not only lost my homebirth but I lost the safety and confidence of a natural birth. I lost the "babymoon" period where I would be spending days in bed with her, I didnt even get to touch or see her for 2 hours and then I could only touch her forearm. Because the ventilator irritatated her throat, I have yet to hear my baby cry. I have not held my baby in 7 days and wont be able to hold her until the arterial lines are out, maybe another week. Before that I had held her about 10 times in 6 weeks. I signed a consent form to have my newborns chest opened, and cried so hard when I signed it, the doctor fled, scared! I honestly have no idea when shes coming home. Ill admit that I cry at LEAST once a day but today my friend went into labor so I cried ALL day because she will have the opportunity to take her baby from the hospital when she leaves. I am a mess. Heres a list I found for everyone to understand how to "deal" with me and my NICU baby. 1. Don't judge the parent's reactions. There is no right or wrong way to deal with a baby in the NICU. 2. Don't compare the baby's needs to those of other babies. 3. Don't just say "Call me if you need something." Do something! You can provide dinners, go grocery shopping, offer to drive them to the hospital, and/or clean their house. 4. Be available when parents ask for help. If we ask for help, that means we needed it a long time ago. 5. Don't discuss the possibility of death or severe complications unless the parents initiate it. 6. Be inconvenienced. Helping someone should not always be bound by our comfort zones and busy schedules. 7. Buy appropriate gifts for the family, such as disposable cameras, calling cards, rolls of quarters, snacks, magazines, photo albums, journals, scrapbooks, and gift cards. 8. Support and praise a mother who is pumping breast milk during the baby's hospitalization. If is very difficult to maintain a milk supply when the baby is unable to nurse directly from the breast. 9. Baby-sit free of charge if the parents have older children. You can do this so parents can visit the hospital together or go out on a date. 10. When asking about the baby's progress, always listen carefully to the parent's response. Then, the next time you speak with them, refer back to the last thing they told you. 11. Offer encouragement during setbacks and gently remind parents of previous obstacles the baby has overcome. 12. Don't ask "when is she coming home?" The parents want eth baby to come home too, but there are no quick fixes in the NICU. Besides, they will let everyone know when the time finally comes! 13. Don't be fooled by smiling faces. Just because the parents are smiling doesn't mean everything is going well. 14. Don't offer too much unsolicited advice. 15. Show interest in the baby and the parents throughout the hospitalization and after the baby has been home a while. 16. Make sincere compliments about the baby whenever you're visiting the hospital or looking at photos. 17. Don't compare their experience with someone else's hospitalization. 18. Offer a hug when the parents are expressing grief. 19. Avoid discussing disappointing news or concerns within hearing distance of older siblings. The older children are suffering as well. 20. Nicely recommend that counseling be sought when parents show signs of losing control. Couple other things Id like to point out: My baby is in the NICU because she is so sick she will die without intervention. In fact, she almost did die, 3 times. If I am crying it isn't Post Partum Depression, it's because all my hopes and dreams for a healthy pregnancy, vaginal delivery and healthy baby have blown up. I don't need medication, I need support! Don't disappear off the face of the planet after my baby is born. If you are scared of the hospital, tell me. If you don't know how to deal with me in a fragile state, let me know it is tough for you. But walking away completely...makes me feel that you were never my friend, especially if you try to come back into my life after 6 months of not talking to me. Don't ask me what I need. I don't know what I need. Give me some suggestions if you want to help. Please don't judge me if nursing is not going well. I'm trying. It is very hard to pump. My time is so tight, and pumping is just one more time and emotional demand on me. If I ask for help, please give it. Please don't judge me if I cannot keep up nursing. It is emotionally draining. I'm tired. And thank you guys. XOXO