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Those were Sophias Apgars.

Today she is one month old. A whole month has gone by and we've seen our humongous baby go from having a REALLY grim start to a strong and thriving newborn. I attribute her progress to being a stubborn german girl! ;)

Thinking about this last month, I know that I have learned SEVERAL lessons. I have experienced the highest highs and lowest lows this month. When I was still in the hospital recovering from the birth, I cried so hard because I couldnt believe that life could go on when my baby was so sick. I didnt understand how the sun could shine when my baby might not make it. It seriously confused me.

Coming home from the hospital without Sophia was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. EVER. I have never been so sad in my entire life. David was amazing and brought in all the bags and the carseat. A few days later I finally unpacked the bags and realized that putting away her "coming home" outfit and blanket was the second hardest thing Ive ever had to do.

The next hurdle I had to overcome was guilt. This isnt regular guilt but a guilt so powerful it made me hate myself as a mother, a woman and a wife. All the WhatIfs popped into my head. What if I had her at home? What if I had had an epidural? What if I had gone completely drug free? What if I had just pushed harder? What if I had tried another position? What if I had taken the OBs advise and had an weight ultrasound? What if I had gone with an OB from the very beginning? What if I didnt find out the sex (and missed the heart problem)? What if I had decided NOT to see the cardiac doc? What if I had walked more during labor, would she have come faster? Why cant I "grow" a healthy baby? Why cant I make enough milk for her? Why cant I stop crying?Why dont I stay longer at the hospital? How can I be too tired to see her at night? How can I sleep soundly when shes by herself at the hospital? Why am I sleeping?! I should be pumping!!

See how bad it gets? Everyone always remind me that I did the absolute best I can but its hard to overcome those feelings...

In addition to the feeling of guilt, I have also experienced the most overwhelming feelings of gratefulness, humility, love and pride this month. Most of them (who am I kidding, ALL of them) so strong, Im left in tears. I just talked to a nurse yesterday who was at the birth and was one of the nurses who saved the babys life. RIGHT after she said "You know, I was at Sophis birth." I EXPLODED in tears (happy of course) and thanked her, and cried, and thanked more, and cried a little more. My feelings have evolved over the month. Everyday the baby gets stronger and I get happier. It really isnt hard to be in a great mood when everything is on its way up!

Besides all the birth drama/trauma, today is a good day! Sophia is stable and hitting newborn milestones, David and Isa are swimming at the YMCA and Im lying around relaxing (watching my beloved Law & Order) before I head to the hospital again. (I spend roughly 6 hrs a day there so I cant feel guilty about that!)

And look at the pic of her looking at her dad. THIS baby looks like shes comin' home soon, doesnt she?!